So yes.  2012.  Nice to see you.

December came and went quickly, much like the whole of 2011 itself.  We had a nice holiday with family although some audacious kindergarten punk had the nerve to give Isla a cold right before Christmas, so we passed that gift around.  The littlest one, Ev, not only had a cold but was also teething, which resulted in a few not so silent nights.  But halls were decked and we were, for the most part, merry and bright.  I even survived my first Christmas without stuffing.  That's some willpower, right there.  My mother-in-law made me some allergen-free bread, BREAD I COULD EAT, which was possibly the best gift of all, so that softened the blow.  

I'm still working on getting back into the swing of things around here.  There are new toys that need homes and laundry that needs doing but all I really feel like doing is eating chips and watching TV and sleeping.  Is that so wrong?  I may possibly be in a bit of a post-holiday slump.  It doesn't help that it is winter and I cannot get warm and wrangling children into an ungodly amount of snow gear is enough to make anyone want to kick themselves in the face. 

So this seems like a good time to focus on some happy things, yes?  I have plenty to be thankful for and overall 2011 was a pretty terrific year.  In no particular order, these are my top 11 HappyMakers for 2011:

1) My Children
An easy one.  I may gripe about the day to day frustrations of life as a mom but my kids are two seriously amazing tiny people and the frustrations are far, far outweighed by all the joy they have brought into my life. Every measure of time that passes with them sees some pretty wonderful moments and milestones, but 2011 was particularly eventful.  Our four year old, Isla, started school and is learning new things at lightning speed.  This was the year her imagination really took flight and the most incredible ideas and insights and hilarious songs come out of her mouth.  And as for our Miss Ev, well, there's a pretty huge leap between 6 months and 18 months old, which she'll be next week.  From barely sitting up to climbing and dancing, from the odd "dada!" to a constant stream of "thank you! again! open! up! dance! fuffin!" (that last being "muffin") and her current favourite "a nose!".  Seeing her personality reveal itself has been amazing and watching the love develop between the two girls has been very happymaking indeed.

2) Other People's Children
Several friends welcomed new tiny people into their lives this year, all baby girls as it happens.  There seems to be a baby girl trend, at least with the people in my life (amongst my closest friends, we have one boy and six girls).  But babies of any sort are most lovely and I'm so thrilled about the safe and healthy arrivals of these little ones.

Mirror Lake, Lake Placid NY, April 2011

3) My Husband
"Get a room!" I hear you shout.  I know.  At the risk of being all sentimental and embarrassing, I have to admit publicly that I do actually like my husband.  You might not know it, given that I don't mention him all that often, but I am in fact rather fond of him.  We celebrated 15 years of couplehood back in November and, while I dearly miss his adorable accent, I still think he's as awesome and funny and cute as I did back when I was 18.  He works damn hard for our family and he comes home every day and looks at his daughters like they're the centre of his universe, which they are.  And that's all I can really ask for.  I'll even forgive him for teaching our daughter the phrase "fish toots", although he's going to have to deal with any phone calls home from her teacher. 

4) Other People's Husbands
Jokes!  Aside from anything else, when would I have the time?

Forest Walk, Charleston Lake Provincial Park, May 2011

4) Family, near and far
I have a pretty fantastic family and they don't hear it enough.  Especially those who never contact me (burn!).  The ones who do though, and especially the ones who visit, are very appreciated.  We had several visits this past year from relatives from afar, some of whom we hadn't seen in 10 years, and I hope to have the opportunity to reconnect with others this year.  As for family closer to home, I'm incredibly grateful for my amazing in-laws and my mom and her partner for all of their love and support and tremendous kindness.  Oh, and the free babysitting.  Many, many thanks for that (and thank you in advance for your continuing support). 

5) The Adirondacks
Last spring, D and I took a trip to Lake Placid, New York with some friends for a few days and had a great time.  We did a little bit of hiking, a fair bit of drinking, and a whole lot of eating.  It was pretty awesome.  It was nice to have some adult time and to see a new place and to sleep in a little.  Oh my goodness the sleeping in.  Glorious.

The River at Marcy Dam, near Lake Placid NY, April 2011

6) Camping
A few weeks before Ev arrived in the summer of 2010, my husband announced that he had bought a camping trailer and he hoped I liked it.  There had been no time to consult with me on the purchase, you see, as it had just been posted on Kijiji for an insanely low price and he had to pull the trigger.  Lucky for him, I approved.  It's an awesome little trailer, just the right size for our family, although I will admit moments of frustration when I've been overwhelmed trying to do everything I do at home but in a significantly smaller and colder space.  For the most part though it has brought us much joy and we managed to get out camping four times last year.  A lot of amazing memories were made and in particular I will never forget my daughter Isla singing The Saw Doctors' Only One Girl by the campfire.  Amazing.

7) Halifax
I've written endlessly about the trip to Halifax my daughter Isla and I took in October, so I won't say much more.  But, setting aside the distinct lack of whales, the trip really was a highlight for 2011, most importantly because of the one on one time Isla and I got to spend together.  Hopefully someday we'll get back out that way as a family of four.

Closeup of Water, Charleston Lake, May 2011

8) Good Health
For all my complaining about having to breakup with dairy and eggs and sugar, I'm thankful that I became aware of my food allergies because it provided me with something positive and proactive I could do to take control of my health and reduce the frequency of my arthritis flareups.  Which I believe it has.  My RA flare-ups were always kind of intermittent anyways, so it's hard to know for sure if my diet changes are keeping the pain at bay, but I do know that when I have a flare-up it is pretty uncannily connected to my "cheating" and eating something I'm allergic to.  So I think I'm on a good path.  I began medication for the RA this year too, which I wasn't too thrilled about, but I think it was another good decision.  Although I definitely need to get exercising more, overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm grateful too for the good health of my loved ones and I hope that 2012 will only see more of the same.

9) Writing
I am so, so pleased that I started writing again this past year.  It has been a terrific outlet and so fantastic to feel creative again, and to give myself time for something that is only for me (although the positive feedback has been nice too, and I appreciate you all for reading).  I am feeling excited about some ideas I have for things to write this year and I don't think I would be writing at all, let alone feeling confident and happy about it, if I hadn't had pushed myself to start this blog and to submit something to a contest and just take the time to do it.  So now I just have to carve out some more time for it and keep the momentum going.

Killbear Provincial Park, June 2011

10) Morning Dance Party
For my last HappyMaker, something that has truly brought nothing but pure joy.  This year our family began the tradition of what we call "Morning Dance Party", taking some time most mornings to put on some good tunes and dance our butts off in the living room.  Both girls love to dance and their eyes light up and their feet get moving as soon as any bit of music comes on.  Such a fun way to start the day (and the cardio doesn't hurt either).With Isla in school, and our trip and then the holidays, Morning Dance Party kind of got put on the back burner for awhile but I plan to reinstate the tradition beginning tomorrow morning.  MmmBop?  Yes, I think so.

11) My Old (Golden) Girls
Ha.  I posted this entry and then realized that there were only 10 things in my "Top 11".  And its a good thing I have one left over because I neglected something pretty darn important: my pretty terrific friends.  I'm lucky to have a great group of girlfriends who have known and loved me (ha) for a very long time (hidden in between the scathing insults there is genuine affection, I'm sure of it).  I consider them my family and can't imagine my life without them.  For one thing, I don't know if anyone else would power secondhand shop with me with quite as much glee.  They are truly the Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia to my Rose (I'm pretty sure I'm Rose guys).

2011 was a pretty great year but onwards to 2012 I say.  So far so good and I'm looking forward to the rest.  Particularly the warm weather part.  That will be nice.

I will update again soon with my 101 Things recap for December and my plans for the project in 2012.  And other thoughts and musings and insights and brilliance.  Or, you know, haikus.  Perhaps some haikus. 

Footprints (Mama and Isla), Killbear Provincial Park, June 2011

So, I know I said I wasn't going to write about my kids on here.  And I'm not going to...much.  But today is a bit too momentous to let slip by without comment:  my sweet first-born daughter Isla started kindergarten today.

I've been dreading this day since she was born, and in particular over the last few weeks as summer has been winding down.  I've been home with her ever since that stormy Hallowe'en night that she came into our lives and along the way she has become my trusty sidekick.  We've had a few days apart from each other now and then, but I'm very used to having her around.  And despite my grumblings about lack of naps and a budding attitude, the truth is that I rather like her company.  The truth is she is one of the best little ladies I know.

Kindergarten, to me, means that someone else gets to have the joy of her, gets to hear her giggles and see her learn something new and see how proud she is of herself when she learns something new.  And listen to her funny little songs and answer her incredible questions and just get to be with her.  Someone else gets to be with her.  For most of the day.  And a big part of me thinks that makes no sense.  Okay, so they may get the shrill screams and perhaps they'll get some of the whining too.  But the house was so quiet today that I maybe even missed the whining a bit. 

Kindergarten means that I miss out.  As I said to my husband, I feel like it's the beginning of her pulling away from me.  I feel like I'm starting to lose her.

And yes, I know that's dramatic and I know that school is going to be so good for her.  She needs to be around other kids, to make friends and play and play and just play and laugh with other kids and like other kids and be liked by other kids.  And while I do not care in the least about striving for academics in kindergarten, she is a bright kid who loves to learn new things and I can't wait to see her love of learning grow.  And I love her school and her teacher is great and I feel like it is a very safe, warm place for her.  But oh my god how I miss her so much already. 

I haven't been able to sleep the last few nights.  I have stress-induced acne.  I've had a few good cries.  I've had moments when I have very seriously questioned why I am letting her go and maybe there's another option and could there somehow be a webcam installed in her classroom so I don't miss anything?  But no.  She has to go.  I know she has to go.  Because I know it's the best thing for her and my qualms are all coming from a selfish place (a good kind of selfish, but selfish all the same). I know that some days apart will mean that we have better quality time together when she's home.  And I know that it will be good to have one-on-one time with her little sister who, being second-born, has not had the same benefit of constant motherly attention that the first one gets by default.

And so last night I determined that I would come into today with some positive thinking, to remember all the good that school will mean for her.  Beyond academics, school gave me strong, lasting friendships, friends I consider my family.  It gave me confidence in myself, the opportunity to learn about who I am and practice speaking in my own distinct voice.  It gave me a chance to be myself, and be accepted for being myself, amongst people who were not forced to love me by law.  I hope she will experience the same.

We were all in fairly good spirits this morning, as we got up and dressed, teeth brushed, monkey lunch bag packed.  My husband had to remind me at one point to calm down, that my stress was becoming obvious and it was one of those unsaid things that we needed to keep things calm so she would stay calm.  For her part, Isla has been a little unsure about kindergarten as it has been approaching over the last few weeks, telling me that she doesn't want to go, but this morning she didn't seem at all worried about it.

So we got packed up.  Isla didn't want to leave her baby at home (her baby doll) but she dealt with it very well, as per usual, when I told her that baby had to stay home, but would be waiting to see her after school.  As we headed to the washroom to brush our teeth, Isla said to me "But I don't like to leave my baby."  I know all about that, I said.  I know.  But she will be okay. 

We took the obligatory pictures outside the house, my sweetie with her sparkly hairband and her elephant backpack, and I fought back the tears a bit.  We loaded into the double stroller and headed out.  When we got to the kindergarten yard, Isla quickly latched on to a group of little girls, giggling and grinning from ear to ear.  My heart eased a little.  Her teacher came out to see her and Isla gave her the picture she had drawn for her the day before, beaming with pride.  Her teacher told her they would be painting today, which I think sold Isla on this whole kindergarten idea.  When it was time for her to go, we did "kissing hands" where she kissed my hand and I kissed hers, so if we missed each other during the day we could just put our hands to our cheeks to feel the other's kiss and love (an idea from the book The Kissing Hand which I highly recommend).  And then she got to be the leader and she led the other kids all the way inside, as happy as could be.

I managed to keep the tears in until she was inside.  And I actually wasn't the big weepy mess I thought I might be.  But I walked home with my littlest one and let a few tears fall and I did actually put my hand to my cheek just to feel her kiss.  And then I got on with my day.  I ran some errands and spent time with my sweet 14 month old, and went downtown to buy Isla a suitcase for an upcoming trip (and I think it helped to use part of the day to do something for her, to prepare a surprise and run an errand that I would have had to do without her anyway).  We passed by the school on our way back home and I looked towards it and smiled, and wondered what she was doing.  Happily wondered.  I missed her but I knew she was probably having a blast.  And sure enough, before I knew it it was 3:30 and time to pick her up.

She had an awesome day and told us of going to the library, and colouring, and singing songs, and playing with playdough (apparently they had purple), and cooking in the toy kitchen, and of course painting.  And I asked her if she's excited to go back to school on Monday and she said yes.  So what more could I ask for, really.  Except maybe a webcam.

One of my favourite quotes about parenthood comes from Elizabeth Stone:

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

I feel like that's the most accurate description of parenthood I've ever come across.  So my heart will now be spending every Monday, Wednesday, and the occasional Friday in kindergarten, just a few minutes walk around the corner but much farther than it has ever ventured before.  And I think it will be okay.  There will be more weeping (mine, not hers), for sure, but there will also be joy and pride and stories and friendships and a world of things to learn.  It will be more than okay.   

But stay tuned.  Because when my youngest starts kindergarten in three years time, when it will be full-day everyday no less, I fully expect to have a complete mental breakdown. 

(What's this all about?  Read here.)

So August.  Well that month flew by.  I just have no freaking clue where it went to.  But let's see how I did with these here 101 Things.  And while I'm at it, I'll outline my goals for September.

Writing

Other than these blog entries, I didn't write a damn thing.  That's a problem.  Particularly considering that one of the major reasons I began this whole project was to get myself writing. 

So, a plan.  A big one.  I am going to submit something to the Writers' Union of Canada Short Prose Competition, non-fiction or fiction prose of up to 2500 words, due November 3rd.  This is a big competition, and I'm sure I could find a smaller competition that I'd have a better chance of winning, but I figure go big or go home, and I'm already home (I feel like this should be a line in an action movie spoof).  And this is ambitious because the deadline is only two months away.  And I don't have anything at all in the works to develop into something, so this will be from scratch.  But I am going to do this!  It may not be good, it certainly will not win anything, but I need to get writing and I don't see any other way it's going to happen other than putting pressure on myself and going public! 

Holy frick!  Two months away!  I should just delete that last paragraph and no one will ever know I had this idea.  No.  No!  It must be done!

Oh, also, I still owe two book responses and I will get those done soon.

Expanding Horizons/Gaining Knowledge

I read one of my 12 books recommended by friends, Ysabel by Guy Gavriel Kay which was my friend Jen's suggestion.  Eleven more to go.

I also listened to Sam Roberts' Collider album this evening, a recommendation from Dan, but I wasn't paying close attention so I need to come back to it (but what I did hear, I very much liked).

No other progress made here.  I'm on the waiting list for a few of the recommended books so I may get another one read in September, if I have time what with all the writing I will apparently be doing.  I will definitely give that album a proper listen and report back. 

Photography

I got out for a wander around Queen's University campus with my camera the other day, and will post a few photos next week, although there are not very many good ones in the lot (I was flaring up and exhausted and not feeling terribly inspired).

As for September, I am going to submit some photos to this contest.  Again, with no expectation of winning anything; just for the sake of doing it.  The Kingston Photographic Club starts up their meetings again in September too, so I'm going to see about getting out to one. 

Creative Projects

No progress made.  I had a look online today to try to find an art class but everything I would want to take seems to be scheduled during the daytime, which I can't do.  I would very much like to finish Evy's name drawings by Christmas at the latest. 

Skills Development

Um, also no progress made here.  I have in mind a few house projects I might like to tackle in the fall.  I need to get a move on with the Finnish words, but I think that might be a good winter project. 

Health/Fitness

I'm pretty close to having established a regular exercise routine, but I think I need to fine tune it before I can really consider it a complete program.  I have been taking hot yoga, so I'm learning some more and that will help towards putting together an at-home yoga practice, and I'm thinking of looking for a dance class I can take over the fall or winter.  I looked at some glasses but haven't settled on anything.  I'd like to have glasses on my face before the winter driving commences.  It's a little depressing thinking that that is coming fairly soon.

Nutrition

I have been trying to find a dietitian but no such luck.  I got in touch with one in Belleville who suggested I try to get a referral to an outpatient dietitian at the hospital, so I'm going to talk to my doctor about that tomorrow. 

But hey...some progress!  I took my vitamins all freaking month so I can cross #38 off my list!  I do believe it is now firmly a habit.  It helps that I have RA medication I now need to take every day, so I just take them all at the same time. 

I tried a paltry three new recipes this month (bringing my total to 12 of 101) so I'll have to try a little better there.  I also want to dedicate September to trying out bread recipes.  Bread I could eat would make my life, and tummy, a whole lot happier.

Home

I made big progress on Thing #50: Get rid of 101 things.  I have rid our house of 49 items (actually, this total includes 138 kids items, but I'm counting four kids items as one, since they're small).  Woot!  I have a few other bags ready to bring to a consignment store when they start accepting fall/winter stuff in a few weeks.  I also have a number of items set aside to photograph and put up on Kijiji, which I will ensure I complete before the end of September, and we have a large disposal bin ordered for the end of the month so we can do a big garage/basement clear out.  It's all very exciting. 

Relationships

D and I had a date night, and I also went out on a girls' night.  I wrote one handwritten letter which is en route to its intended recipient, and I have plans for several more in September. 

I have also now completed Thing #55: Reconnect with three long-lost family members in person!  When I included this task on my list, I only knew of plans for one of those visits and, with most of my family far away up in Northern Ontario, I really thought three was a good number to aim for and the most I could hope for over the next few years.  So I'm pleasantly surprised to have completed this Thing.  But while I'm going to consider it complete, I am re-upping it, meaning I'm going to try for three more.  Let's see who else I can entice to Kingston.  We have coconut milk ice cream bars...

We also went out as a family of four last weekend, down to Confederation Park to enjoy the weather, the excellent duck-viewing, and the sounds of the Blues Festival.  Much fun was had by all.  And I spoke to my sister twice by phone and even spent four days with her in person when she came for a visit.

For September, I'm going to aim to get one of those thank you letters done.  And try to connect with one long-lost friend at least by email or phone if not in person yet.

(You still with me?  This is a long-ass entry.  I think those 2500 words won't be as big a problem as I'm thinking).

Kids

We tried out two new playgrounds.  Still many to go.  I don't know exactly how many because the parks map on the City of Kingston website is very difficult to read, in part because the legend doesn't list the parks either alphabetically or numerically.  It is kind of a pain to look at online so I'm going to see if a hard copy is available.  I'm hoping that once the weather cools down a bit, we'll be able to get out and about a bit more often and get exploring.

I'm also looking ahead to establishing some sort of annual family charity project around Christmas-time, keeping my eyes open for some ideas (suggestions welcome).

Preserving the Past/Planning for the Future

Again, no progress made.  I did download Picasa but haven't had much of a chance to play around with it.  I am planning to schedule a portrait session for the kids some time in September or October.  I am also going to set aside an evening to label August's photos, and will label September's as I go.  And I will nag my husband to set us up with an appointment with a lawyer to start putting together our wills.  Because who will get my pretty blue bowls?  This must be decided.

Community

With the Buskers Festival in July and the Blues Festival in August, I have participated in two community events this summer.  I'm hoping to get out to the Kingston Fall Fair and Pumpkinfest with the kids this fall, at the very least.  I am also going to make it a goal for September to donate blood, and to look into volunteer opportunities. 

Travel/Nature

No progress in August but we have two camping trips planned for September.  I will also be going to Halifax with my firstborn in October and I hope to see dolphins in the wild when we go whalewatching, and I will touch this side of the Atlantic then too (and hopefully the other side in Ireland next summer). 

Joy/Well-being

I bought beautiful sunflowers this month, as seen above, and discovered that putting flowers in a vase on my kitchen counter near the sink makes doing dishes a much more pleasant experience.  I had about 6 hours to myself on Monday, which was glorious.  With the cooler weather coming I am making Thing #97, find pyjamas I adore, a major priority.

So that's where I'm at.  Steadily making progress, in some areas at least.  I have been finding that this project is changing how I think about my time, and really keeping me on top of using my time wisely.  I have a look through my 101 Things list every few days and think about how I can work towards one or more of my Things that week. 

It's good.  I'll leave it at that.  Because you have a life to get back to and I have some writing to do. 

Goodness gracious.  It has been some time.  We have been semi-staycationing this week, taking over my in-laws' digs for a week in the countryside, and have also had the pleasure of a few-days-visit from my sister, so all things interwebular have sort of fallen by the wayside (I thought maybe I had coined a new word there, with "interwebular", but computer says no). 

I have also been dealing with an RA flare-up, which is likely self-induced at least in part as I lived life in the fast lane on Tuesday and ate a sandwich.  What have I ever done to you, bread and mayo, except enjoyed your deliciousness?  The only plus to my food allergy felony was that my rheumatologist was able to detect swelling in my joints at my appointment on Thursday, for the first time ever.  This is good because it added credence to my diagnosis.  Previously, the fact that I was never actually flaring up when my appointments were scheduled was sort of annoying, and it made me wonder about the accuracy of the diagnosis (my line of thinking went that perhaps they only gave me the sensation of being swollen, rather than actually being so).  But no.  Swollen.  Lots of them.  And she confirmed my suspicion that the food allergies bring on flare-ups because they kick my immune system into gear, my faulty immune system which for some unknown reason doesn't realize that my joints are not the enemy.

This is what I imagine is happening in my body...

The Invasion
An Extremely Short Play Based on Dubious Science
by Kirsi

A lowly idiotic antibody, Private Shit-for-Brains, enters the scene, bumbling and tripping over his tiny antibody feet.  He rushes to his superior, Major Fuck Up, who is lounging on a red blood cell, admiring his medal for bravery in the Battle of the Sore Throat.

Private Shit-for-Brains:  Major General!  Sir!  We're being invaded!  It's mayonnaise, sir!

Major Fuck Up:  Mayonnaise?

Private:  And bread, sir!  In the stomach!

Major:  Those egg and gluten fuckers think they can sneak in here in a sandwich?  I wasn't produced by a plasma cell yesterday!  Attack!

Private:  Should we attack the joints while we're at it, sir? 

Major:  Why the fuck not?  Attack them all! 

And scene.  Man, it is really nice to know that those thousands of dollars I spent getting my drama degree have not gone to waste.  Requests for production rights are now being accepted.  For the film version, might I suggest Jonah Hill and Gene Hackman?

So the upshot of the confirmation of swelling in my joints is that my rheumatologist suggested that it's time I start medication to offer some symptom relief and potentially slow down joint damage.  Going into the appointment I wouldn't have thought I would have so readily agreed to this, but as soon as she suggested it I knew she was right (it helped that she spoke to me without any hint of the condescension that has irritated me in the past).  Even though my RA doesn't seem to cause me a lot of trouble at the moment, it is sort of grumbling along and slowly causing damage.  And I'm only 33.  I plan on being around for another 40 or 50 years and I would like to have full use of my body for as much of that time as I can.  So it's time.

I've started a drug called Plaquenil which will take a few months to begin to have any effect.  I'll meet again with my rheumatologist at that time to assess if it is helping and if the side effects have been manageable, at which point we'll make the decision to either continue with it or change medication.  I have tried not to read too much about the side effects because they're a little scary, what with eye damage and blue skin and such.  Fortunately they're pretty uncommon, it seems, and most people tolerate the drug very well.  So far I'm experiencing some dizziness and drowsiness, and a bit of nausea, but I'm hoping these will pass as my body adjusts. 

What I'm having the most trouble with is the idea that I'm now likely to be on medication for the rest of my life.  That bothers me.  If it works then it's better than the alternative, of course, by which I mean joint pain and damage and perhaps damage to my other organs (because RA can be a motherfucker like that), but the alternative is not necessarily prevented by the medication.  Likely just delayed.  Delayed is great, delayed buys me time and that is something for which I already feel tremendously grateful, but I don't really like even taking a Tylenol so I'm having a hard time with the idea of having a powerful drug in my body on a regular basis.

Okay, I just reread that paragraph.  What the hell am I whining about?  If it provides some relief, buys me a few more healthy years, then taking a pill every day is an extraordinarily small price to pay.

There's a plus side to having a disease, I've found out.  It makes you think long and hard about your priorities, and putting the time that you're healthy to the best possible use.  D and I are doing a lot of thinking these days about how to get what we want out of life now, to travel and have the experiences we want to have and do the things we want to do sooner rather than later.  Which I think is a pretty good way of thinking about things even if there isn't a health issue to act as a catalyst, because who knows what the future holds for any of us?  I thought I knew, but then the world didn't end back in May, so now I have no fucking clue (man, this whole topic brings out the sweary in me).  Saving for retirement is great and important and all, but who knows if I'll be able to amble over the Irish hillside at the age of 65?  For that matter, who knows if you will?  I think we'd best go do it immediately.

Or if not immediately, perhaps after I enjoy these gluten-, dairy-, delicious-free yucca pulp crackers?  Is that better, body?  Are we happy now?

(Or how about Vincent Van Gogh-ful, if you prefer that pronunciation.) 

I finished reading a whole book!  One for grown-ups, devoid of small woodland creatures!  At one time, this would have been something I accomplished at least every two days or so.  But nowadays, with my own small creatures unceasingly demanding things like food and attention, I don't get much time to read.  I'm lucky if I manage a few paragraphs before succumbing to my bed's loving memory foam embrace. 

Unfortunately I have spent those few precious minutes recently on a book that turned out to be sub-par.  While I have tasked myself with writing a book response here for every book I read, I'll keep this short, because I'm not sure how interesting or useful a negative book review is to anyone.  I'm also not that comfortable being so critical, particularly publicly, and especially of a first-time novelist.  I'm hoping to be one of those one day.  And I'd like people to be kind to me.  I suppose though that I would also want the constructive criticism too, and I hope that is what this will be.  I'll try my best. 

I just finished "Sunflowers" by Sheramy Bundrick, a "historical fiction" novel about the final years of Vincent Van Gogh's life.  I generally like historical fiction.  It's my favourite of the fictions.  I feel like I'm learning a little about actual important stuff whilst enjoying the escapism of a novel.  But I like my historical fiction to be heavily grounded in history.  I don't care if it's also a hell of a lot of fiction, provided there are actual historic facts underpinning the story.  Sunflowers, however, appears to be based on the skimpiest of sources. 

The story is of Van Gogh's love affair with a young prostitute named Rachel.  In the "Author's Note" at the end of the novel, said author's first sentence reads, "Surviving historical sources reveal next to nothing of the real Rachel."  Indeed.  According to the author, an article mentions that Vincent gave the fragment of his ear to a prostitute named Rachel, but there are other sources that contradict this claim.  The author doesn't offer any evidence at all that Vincent had a love affair, let alone any relationship, with any prostitute. 

So fine.  Fine.  This doesn't preclude writing a good story.  But, two points.  One:  it should not be labelled "Historical Fiction".  Perhaps "Hearsay Fiction".  And two, the real problem is the story itself.   

First of all, I couldn't tell you what Rachel looks like.  No clue.  I imagine that there was a description at the beginning of the book, but I may have missed it.  To be fair, I was not at my most alert when reading.  However, I think that it is important that key details like a character's appearance (which is very important as an aid to the reader's imagination) be repeated often.  Intelligently, subtly, but often.  I think it has been said that in writing for children, it is important to repeat key information three times, for children to be able to recall it.  I think that goes with all writing full stop.  At least three times, because description is key. 

Now, this novel is written as a first-person narrative, from Rachel's point of view, which makes things a little trickier.  "He brushed his hand through my wavy brown hair" is not a particularly elegant example of exposition.  But there's got to be a way to do it.  I did not really care about Rachel and I can't help but think that is in part because I just couldn't picture her. 

Another reason is that I felt like I just didn't know much about her.  There are a few very brief paragraphs in the first chapter about her childhood, a thumbnail sketch if you will (to use some art terminology), and some anecdotes later on which are touching, but not enough to really make me connect with her or care about her.  And I'm pretty sure that the first lesson in Fiction Writing 101 would be to write characters your readers care about.  Without that, why bother?

And why did I bother?  I really wasn't into this book, but I had already abandoned another book mid-way.  I had been reading Mistress of the Sun by Sandra Gulland, because I really liked her Josephine B. trilogy, but I found that with only reading a few paragraphs a night, I couldn't keep up with the number of characters and what was happening.  I'm sure it is not terribly complex but in my exhausted state I just couldn't follow it.  The only other book on my night stand was Sunflowers, and with only a handful of characters, it was much easier to follow.  So there's a plus.

Also, I really wanted to like it.  I really really did.  But gah.  It didn't really get going until page 123, when Vincent cuts off his ear.  Before that, it was just all happiness and sunshine, a pleasant but not particularly riveting account of the beginnings of their love affair.  The big problem here is that there was no conflict.  I'm pretty sure that's the second lesson in Fiction Writing 101.  The characters weren't in conflict with each other, or with themselves, and no one was too bothered about them, despite the fact that there was huge potential for conflict in the fact that she was a prostitute.  There was sort of a conflict with Gauguin coming to live with Van Gogh for a time, but it was hardly page-turning stuff.  I certainly understand the "calm before the storm" approach to a story, but 123 pages is a heck of a lot of calm. 

To the author's credit, it picked up from then.  How could it not?  He had just cut off his ear for goodness sake.  The decline of his mental health was revealed nicely and at a good pace, and the addition of a conflict of interest for Rachel made the story, and the character of Rachel, interesting.  But it seemed that every few pages there was something that made me mad, like this exchange between Vincent and Rachel:

"Oh, when was your birthday?"

"A few days ago, March thirtieth."

At this point they had been in a relationship for I think over two years.  I get that birthdays may not have been the big deal in 19th Century France that they are in 21st Century North America, but I cannot believe that she didn't know his birthday. Especially because,

Vincent told me things about his past that I never knew - things I will never repeat to a living soul - and I told him secrets from deep inside my heart.

What secrets?  I may have said this out loud.  I may have shouted this out loud.  Because it made me rather irate.  Because this is the equivalent of what Chekhov said about playwriting:

One should not put a loaded rifle onto the stage if no one is thinking of firing it.  If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one, it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there.

Likewise, don't say that there are secrets if you don't plan on revealing them.  I understand that the author was trying to express the depth of the characters' love for each other and their connection, but I feel that this reveal was a misstep.  Because it sets up a Catch-22 of sorts:  either there are secrets you know about these real-life people, in which case why wouldn't you write about them because there's your character development, there's your drama?  Or, and this is really what's happening here, there are no secrets of course because these are fictional characters and if there were secrets they would be the story.  And now I'm pulled out of the story because this one simple sentence has effectively read as "HEY REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A STORY AND I CAN MAKE UP ANYTHING I WANT ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT BASED ON HISTORICAL FACT." 

Gah.  I'm not being nearly as constructive as I want to be. 

But do you get what I'm saying here?  If someone told you they had secrets and then refused to tell you what they were, forever, would you not wonder why they had bothered telling you in the first place?  And would they not become the world's most annoying person? 

One more thing I disliked about this book.  Lazy exposition.  I understand the need to get important information in there somehow, and I know that exposition can be tricky, particularly when coming from the mouth of one of the characters.  I think that exposition through dialogue is a particularly risky, and rarely successful, choice, and one that needn't be made when there is room in the descriptive prose of the novel to explain what is necessary, without having something happen like this, when a Reverend who is travelling with Rachel to visit Vincent in the hospital decides to tell her the history of the hospital, out of the blue:

"It used to be a monastery before the Revolution, called Saint-Paul-de-Mausole because of a Roman ruin that stands nearby.  It became an asylum early this century, and today Dr. Theophile Peyron is the director..."

And on.  Okay, this is not terrible, but it is grating when it happens throughout the book.  I just think it could have been done more subtly.

What did I like about the book, you ask?  Yes, I feel I should try to balance this out somewhat.  Well listen, I read the whole thing.  There had to have been something that kept me interested.  I felt that the relationship between Vincent and Rachel felt genuine and I appreciated that it developed slowly and, despite the need for conflict, I liked that it wasn't overly melodramatic.  No, "I love him desperately...and now I'm in the depths of despair because he looked at me in an odd way...and now we are tearing each other's clothes off."  I like that they just had a connection, and I believed that connection.  And I don't think that's a small thing.

I think that the characters were consistent in their character.  What I mean is, Vincent had a particular manner of speaking, a particular manner of approaching things, and Rachel did as well and the author stayed true to the characters.  This indicates to me that the author had a very good understanding of who she thought her characters were, even if I didn't always grasp what they were all about from the writing. 

Without revealing much (in case, on some off chance, you want to read this book after my review), I like the choices that the author made for Rachel's future at the end of the book.  Again, it seemed consistent with who she was, and it was in keeping with what I wanted for the character, which is important too.  And the fact that I wanted something for her means that I did become invested to some level.  So there must have been more positive things at work in the writing than I was aware of.  From a writer's point of view, it would be nice if I could identify what those things were, but as a reader, I'm happy that whatever it was that worked on me, that led me to like and connect to the character, was subtle.  

Overall, in the grand scheme of things and despite my somewhat scathing remarks, as a first novel goes I don't presume that I would be able to do much better and I think that it was a great idea which maybe just needed a few more revisions to become a great book. 

Man, I hope that the author doesn't read this.  But if you do, I hereby grant you the right to write whatever the heck you want about my first novel (although you don't need my permission).  You will find my first novel in a book store near you some time in the next 50 years.  So there you go...you have a novel and I don't, so what do I know?

What happened to this being short?

The first full month of my 101 Things in 1001 Days project is over.  It seems like a good time to review what progress I've made.

I have completed two Things, #35 See a physiotherapist and #61 Take Isla to see her first movie.  It feels good to have a few tasks checked off but I might need to pick up the pace a little. 

I also completed all of my "once a month" type tasks.  In fact, I overachieved on most of them (couGEEKgh).  I actually went out on two morning photo shoots, including one this morning which I'll blog about tomorrow, and I had a full day to myself when the in-laws took the kids for an overnight visit.  Dave and I went out on not one, but TWO, date nights this month, which is rather unprecedented, and I got together with some friends for a fun girls' night.  I talked to my sister on the phone three times (make that four, she just called), and sent four handwritten letters; now to be fair, two were very short, but the other two were definitely regulation length.  And I started off the month with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, as seen here (my husband also gave me gorgeous flowers for our anniversary...bonus!). 

I made one change to my 101 Things list.  I took out "Make 10 phone calls when I would usually email" because I kept questioning my motives (was I really going to email?  No, I think I would have called...or would I?) which was just annoying.  And I thought that "Go on an outing as a family of four once a month" was much more important.  And we did go on an outing...to Costco...but I'm counting any sort of outing because we tend to have fun together no matter what we're doing, which is ultimately what I'm going for with this Thing.

Some progress was made on a few other Things as well.  I looked up some writing and photography contests and have decided on a few to aim for.  I have definitely gone a long way toward my "Update blog 300 times" Thing, with 26 entries so far (including this one), and I also did a little work on the childrens' book project. 

I reconnected with some family members: my Uncle Daryle and his partner Arlene and my Aunt Mae, although I'm just going to count this as two since Daryle and Arlene come as a set!  I had a really great visit with my cousin Theresa and her little girl Suvi Rae as well, but since I saw them back in February too, I'm not going to count this as "long-lost".  Very lovely nonetheless.  I also followed up a little on my family history research by getting back in touch with a second cousin I made contact with in the winter, to follow up on some family photos. 

I tried out nine new recipes, several good ones from Weelicious but my favourite was the Banana Cupcakes recipe I used for Evy's birthday, from Hello Cupcake.  So, so good.  Not at all something I should eat, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to eat a cupcake on my daughter's birthday.

Isla and I took part in a community event when we went to see some of the performers in the Buskers Festival, and I got rid of 20 things, of my requisite 101 (17 clothing items, and three small boxes of miscellaneous toys and books).  I looked at some glasses frames at Costco the other day, and didn't look like a Lenscrafters ad in all of them so that was promising.  Today I started my list of 101 Things I've already achieved and so far I have nine achievements listed.  I'm sure there have to be more impressive things I've done in my 33 years on Earth but apparently I've got to do a little more thinking. 

And, most importantly, I have taken my vitamins for two days in a row!  Yeah!  Well, it's a start. 

Looking ahead to August, I'm setting myself a few goals.  I think that each week I'm going to plan seven tasks which will help me make progress on some of my 101 Things.  Among them, I would like to get started on a short story for the Writers' Union of Canada's Short Prose Competition.  All I need is an idea and the right words in the right order.  Easy.  I'd also like to complete a first draft for the children's book project, and I owe you one book response as I finished a book on Friday...stay tuned!  Riveting stuff around here!  I'm going to look into dance, yoga, and art classes for the fall (although it's unlikely I will do all three) and hope to try a meditation class soon.  I'd like to book an appointment with a dietitian and arrange a portrait session for the girls.  We are also going to hit at least four city playgrounds and explore at least one neighbourhood...it will be done! 

At the beginning of this project, I said that I wanted something to help me get back in touch with who I am.  I've only just started, but I think it's working.  I have felt very good lately, much more myself than I have in a long while, and I think that is in no small part due to the writing I'm doing here on this blog and my endeavouring to accomplish the tasks of this project.  I think that I'm off to a good start here and I'm looking forward to what's to come. 

(What's this all about?  Read here.)

I completed a Thing!  Woot woot!  Today Dave and I took Isla to see her first movie (Thing 61).  We went to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie, which we all really enjoyed.  We had told Isla that the movie theatre had a really big TV but I think she was a little awestruck by just how big it was.  She had a great time, feverishly eating her Nibs candy in between giggling and giving us big smiles.  So much fun.  But the best part came towards the end of the movie, during a quiet moment, when this happened:

(Loud, familiar sound)

Isla:  I tooted.

Me (laughing): I know you did.

(A pause)

Isla:  Can you smell it, Mom?

I don't know if Dave and I have laughed so hard in a long while.  Three year olds are the best.  And that particular anecdote will be filed under "Wedding Speech".

I do kind of wish, though, that I could have gone to see Friends with Benefits with the elderly couple who bought tickets in front of us.  Because although I haven't seen the movie, I don't think that 75 is the target age group.  I'm not sure they knew what they were getting into.

In any case, a wonderful afternoon was (hopefully) had by all, and my first Thing is complete!  Yay!  Now, only 100 left to go...

27. Become an expert on a specialist subject

Somewhere out of my heat-addled brain, this Thing emerged.  I don't have anything particular in mind here.  I just like the idea of knowing everything about something.  I don't even care what it is.  I just want to be the go-to girl for something.

Examples:

"Oh, you have a question about Corey Haim movies from 1989 through 1994?  I'm your girl!"

"What sweet things can you eat if you don't eat sugar?  Well, my friend, let me tell you all about the natural wonder that is the carrot..."

"What's that?  You're interested in knowing more about the best fingerpaint on the market and, on a completely unrelated note, how to get mysterious primary-coloured stains out of carpet?  Take a seat and get comfortable!" 

(On that last one, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN SO JUST GET OVER IT.)  It would be nice if my area of expertise was perhaps a little more sophisticated than these, but it's okay if it's not. 

I think that being home with kids 24/7, it is difficult to feel a sense of mastery over anything, as you might in a regular work environment where you are hired to provide a certain skillset or knowledge base, and where you (hopefully) get regular feedback about how you're doing.  This isn't to discredit the work of parenting in the least.  It certainly is the most difficult job in the world, although to be fair, I've never attempted brain surgery (not yet).  But it's constant trial and error and guilt and learning and the learning is never over.  Which is wonderful, but it can also lead to a feeling of never really having an idea of what you're doing, or trusting that you are doing it the best way (and of course "best" is subjective, and individual, and usually we are all doing far better than we think we are).  But I'd like to feel, for something, that I can be confident that I know it in and out.  So at the end of the day, when I'm feeling like I could have done a little better with this whole parenting thing, I can at least say "Yeah, but who else knows all the lyrics to Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire?" (I do not care about this.  Please let me know about something that is not this.)

How will I know when it's complete?  Hmm.  Well.  This is a tricky one.  I guess I will have identified my area of expertise and researched all I can about it.  And perhaps I will then open up the floor to questions and you can grill me on my supposed knowledge.  Of course then, you'll have to trust that it's coming from me and not Google.  But I'm a fairly trustworthy person.  Really.  In the end, this might have to be one for gut instinct.

28. Take care of three house projects which I would usually defer to my husband

Over the years, my husband and I have fallen into rather traditional male/female household roles.  He (have I actually said his name yet?  Let's call him Dave) fixes stuff, mows the lawn, and pays the bills while I do the laundry, vacuum, and look pretty in my apron (I say this without any sarcasm...I really do rock an apron).  This is not out of any grand design.  It's just the way it has worked out and I think he'd agree that our division of labour works just fine.  But I think it would be good of me to take on a few house projects, like repairing something or putting something together or installing something.  Something my husband would usually do out of a matter of course, or because he eventually realizes that I'm not going to.

How will I know when it's complete?  I'll have taken the reins on three house projects and completed them all by myself!  I'll be sure to blog about these projects so I can brag about my awesomeness or, as is more likely, admit the hilarious failures that have led me to call in the professionals.  And/or the fire department.

29. Grow edible vegetables

Unless they yell at me, living things left in my care have about a 5% chance of survival.  I have often joked that I am operating an experiment with my houseplants, trying to teach them how to talk by denying them water.  It's a whole survival-of-the-fittest, species adapting to their environment, thing which I'm sure is scientifically sound.  The sad reality is that if something doesn't let me know I should feed it, I will not remember to do so.  So it's a good thing my kids have vocal chords. 

In my defense, I should say that my fish Scaredy Cat lived for over three years.  I think that's pretty good for a fish.

I love the idea of having a vegetable garden.  Love it.  I love the idea of growing lovely little vegetables from seed, watching them poke their tiny green heads out of the ground, watering my little seedlings and nurturing them to their adulthood, at which time I promptly and violently cut them down in their prime for my own voracious consumption!  Mwah ha ha!  And all on the cheap too.  Have you bought vegetables?  Gosh I hope you have.  They're good for you.  But damned expensive.  So a vegetable garden it is!

How will I know when it's complete?  I will admit to you that my husband has been working on plans for our garden and, in all likelihood, he'll be the one taking the lead on creating it.  HOWEVER.  As I am the one at home day in and day out, I'll be responsible for keeping things alive, a task which fills me with trepidation.  But it will happen!  And I will consider this task complete when I have managed to keep something alive long enough for it to achieve its lifelong ambition of making a starring appearance in my dinner.

Bed.  Bed.  Bed.  Bed.  Bed.  A million times over it's bedtime.

(What's this all about?  Read here.)

I've been known to get crafty, from time to time.  I used to make a lot of gifts and, although I don't know what the recipients' true opinions were of them of course, I thought that most things came out fairly well.  I think one of my favourite things I've ever made was a gift for my friend Kristen:  it was a case for carrying a cocktail shaker and adult beverages, which I decked out with a tiny disco ball and working Christmas lights inside.  I'm certainly no Martha Stewart, and I'm not much of an artist, but there are few things more fun than pencil crayons and felt and sparkles. 

Alas, two creative projects have taken up most of my time the last few years, those being my beautiful daughters, who I had some help in making.  I haven't had time for much else and my art supply closet (yes, I have a whole closet) is rather full to the brim and includes some unfinished projects that need my attention.  Like the toy I started making for my friend's newborn son, who is turning three next month.  Sigh. 

19. Complete a scrapbook or photo book of Isla's first two years
20. Complete a scrapbook or photo book of Evy's first two years

Around about my first born daughter Isla's second birthday, I bought a scrapbook and was full of zeal at the prospect of creating a scrapbook of her first two years on Earth.  Well, I was full of something.  The scrapbook remains empty as we approach Isla's 4th birthday.  I would like to remedy this.  I have made one scrapbook in my life and it turned out very well, but holy hell is it time-consuming.  So while I'd like to do the same, I'm going to forgive myself if I decide to go a simpler route, and order a photo book instead.  In any case, this seems like it might be a good winter project.  Or perhaps, a good project for Isla herself.  "Make your own damn scrapbook!"  I might say (I won't).  And Evy has only just turned one so it will be at least one more year before I set her loose with the glue gun.

How will I know when it's complete?  You will come to my house and you will barely have your coat off before I'll say "Hey, look at what I made!" and I'll force you to sit and ooh and aah over my gorgeous creations, and their baby scrapbooks.

21. Finish Evy's name drawings

At the end of September 2007, I started my maternity leave for the first born.  My daughter wasn't due until the end of October, but I thought it would be a good idea to give myself a little extra time to rest and prepare and enjoy the childless life.  It was rather glorious and I got an extension as Isla was 11 days late.  While watching copious amounts of television, I worked away on drawings for Isla's nursery.  We already had her name picked out (I had it picked out when I was 16) so I decided to make four drawings, one for each letter of her name.  Each letter is an animal whose name starts with that letter, in the shape of that letter.  For example, an inchworm in the shape of the letter "I".  They turned out rather well, if I do say so myself, and I managed to get them all done before she arrived.

Cut to June 2010.  My second daughter Evy's due date was fast approaching and I thought "I really must get those name drawings done".  But then, there was a two year old to take care of.  Did you know that two year olds are the most time-consuming and exhausting of all living things?  True story.  (Lest this sound too negative, I will also add that two year olds are quite possibly the most fun of all living things too).  So, um, the drawings didn't get done.  And one year later, they're still not done.  It's the source of much mom guilt.  Already I look around my living room and how many photos do I have in frames of my first-born?  13.  How many of my second born?  ONE!  Which is something I will be fixing this week.  Those of you who have more than one child will know what this is all about.  It has nothing to do with loving the second child any less.  There is just no time!  But I will make time!  Because I need to get these drawings done before she's old enough to notice how neglectful I am and develop a complex.

How will I know when it's complete?  They will be done and framed and on the wall.  I've made a good start on them this month so I'm cautiously optimistic that I will be able to have them done soon. It's just the "V" that's giving me a hard time because drawing a vulture in the shape of a "V" is tricky, y'all!  Any other suggestions most welcome, below, as per usual.

22. Sew a piece of wearable clothing

Sure, I can sew things.  Things like makeup bags, and pencil cases, and what do you mean those are the same thing?  Shut your mouth.  Yeah, basic basic things I can cope with.  Although I know I learned how in grade 7 sewing class, I do not remember how to follow a pattern, so I just wing it.  I don't even measure things out in most cases, preferring to eyeball it and hope that people will respect the "no two are alike" original quality of my one of a kind pieces.  My cheat is that I tend to favour fabrics which include some sort of linear pattern, so that I can follow the line when I sew. 

I would love, LOVE, to be able to sew clothing though and it is my mission to sew something that someone could actually wear!  Perhaps not willingly, but it will be wearable!  By a person!

How will I know when it's complete?  The lucky, lucky recipient of said clothing will be walking down the street, when a passerby will comment "Where did you get that?  I must have one of my own!"  To which the fashionista will reply, "I bought it at the mall to cover this hideous thing that Kirsi is forcing me to wear."  If you'd like this person to be you, enter your name in the draw by posting in the comments below! 

Okay, I meant that as a joke, but now I'm thinking that could be fun.  When the time comes for me to make something, I'll randomly choose out of the names of whoever comments on this post.  The catch is, you will have to wear it and allow me to post a photo of you wearing it.  In public.

23. Take an art class

My family is rampant with artists.  I've mentioned my sister Leah, who has her BFA and is a freaking artistic genius.  There's also my aunt who is a watercolour artist, my mother who paints ceramics, and numerous creative cousins.  I myself am not a fine artist, but I would like to take a class or two to see if I can learn something new.  I mentioned previously that if possible, I'd like to find an illustration class so that I can perhaps improve enough to illustrate my own picture books.  But we'll see.  I think that an art class of any kind would be fun. 

How will I know when it's complete? 
1. I'll have registered and completed an art class or, preferably, a series of classes. 
2. ? 
3. Profit!

24. Learn one song to play/sing around the campfire, and do so

My family is also rampant with singers and musicians.  I am also neither of those.  I was in the choir in grade 8, but I'm pretty sure they had to accept everyone.  I think that's also how I made the baseball team (my "second catcher" position may have been the tip off).  To be fair, I think my singing has improved slightly in recent years, simply because I sing to my kids.  It doesn't seem to make them shriek or cause their ears to bleed, so I don't think I'm terrible, but I'm no Britney Spears, I tell you!  Okay, with auto-tune and a different body I could be Britney Spears.

I will admit that at one time I could play the guitar fairly well.  I taught myself on a classical guitar when I was quite young, and then took a guitar class in school in grade 10.  In that class, probably because I had a classical, I was given classical pieces to learn and I became fairly good at fingerpicking.  But any skill I once had is long lost.  I know a few chords and could play anything with D, C, G, or A (which really is about 90% of all songs ever written) but I'd like to improve. 

We have several guitars around the house, as my husband plays, but I just don't get around to picking them up too often.  With the arthritis in my hands, I have also been unsure about playing too much.  My rheumatologist certainly doesn't think it's a good idea, but if you read Friday's post you know that I don't put a lot of stock in what she says, sadly.  Still, as much as I would love to take lessons again, I think it would likely be a bad idea for me to play all the time.  But I could certainly learn one song.

I so love the evenings I have spent around the campfire with my family, listening to them (usually my husband, his father and youngest brother) play and sing.  These are some of my favourite times.  But I'll admit that at those times, I long to jump in and join them.  So I will.  I'll learn at least one song and I will.  I don't think they will mock me openly.  And if they do, well no smores for you!

How will I know when it's complete?  I'll have played the guitar and sung one song in front of people in the fire's warm glow.  Ensuring a bear-free campsite for all.  And perhaps a camper-free campsite for all.

Can I tell you that I'm ignoring all other tasks in favour of these incessant blog posts?  Don't get me wrong, I put my children to bed (one sleeping, one to go...please for the love of all things good in this world, go to sleep dear child).  And don't get me wrong, I like writing here.  It gives me a bit of writer's high, I must admit.  But now the evening's half over and, while I should be getting the dishes done and putting the garbage out, I'm going to sit on my ass and watch The Big C because Laura Linney is awesome.  Hold on, what was my point? 

Edited to add:  I just found out that a friend from university, Jessi Linn (incidentally one of the loveliest people I've ever met, no exaggeration) has been up to some crafty things herself.  So wonderful and makes me want to get crafting immediately.  Directly after this episode...

(What's this all about?  Read here.)

12. Read an introductory text about nutrition
13. Read an introductory text about rheumatoid arthritis

In the fall of 2006 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.  I'd been experiencing joint pain off and on for a year or so, not on a regular basis, but on a few occasions I was in enough pain to spend the day in bed.  At first my doctor thought it was a virus but after some blood work and consultation with a rheumatologist, we came to my current RA diagnosis. 

Now I hasten to add that my experience with RA, thus far anyways, has been nowhere near as difficult as what others often experience.  I have not required heavy medication; over-the-counter painkillers usually do the trick.  I find that it hits hardest when my body is already run down, when my immune system kicks in for a legitimate reason and then seems to go into overdrive. 

My worst experience came over a couple of days in January 2008, when I was home caring for a 2 month old, exhausted and dealing with really bad mastitis.  I had difficulty holding my daughter because of the pain and stiffness in my hands, which had me feeling rather panicked about the whole thing, but once I got some sleep and antibiotics the joint pain ceased, and I haven't had an experience as bad as that since.

In fact, RA is really very rarely a problem in my life right now.  This is in big part, I believe, due to a number of changes I've made to my diet.  After reading that food allergies can contribute to joint pain, my husband encouraged me to get tested and I had some extensive food allergy testing done through a naturopath.  It turns out that I'm allergic to almost everything.  Okay, not everything, but it feels like it some days.

The test I took looked at allergic responses to 98 of the most common food allergens, and rated each response on a scale from no reaction to extremely high (a high rating does not denote a life-threatening allergy, however).  I had a very high to extremely high reaction to all dairy, eggs and sugar (cane sugar), a moderate reaction to cranberries, soybeans, peanuts, and garlic, and a low reaction to crab, coffee, gluten, wheat, almonds, oats, rye, sesame seeds, spelt, asparagus, and green pepper. 

So since March I have cut out (for the most part) all dairy, eggs, and sugar.  I have also been trying my best to be gluten-free, because the naturopath said that even though my reaction to gluten was low, gluten stays in the system for awhile so any reaction to it could last awhile.  As for the rest, I try my best to avoid it (I don't eat crab or drink coffee so those are pretty easy) but I don't worry too much about it.  The general consensus seems to be that they can be had on rotation, every 3 days or so, without too much trouble.  I still add garlic to everything.

The big question is, has it made a difference, and yes, it absolutely has.  Even though my RA wasn't a daily thing to begin with, I have still noticed a sharp decrease in flare-ups, and when I have a flare-up now it is almost always the day after I have had something that I'm allergic to.  I'm looking at you delicious battered fish and chips.  I will miss you.

I don't always know what the hell I should eat.  While it is easy, easy I tell you, to find products and recipes that are gluten-free, or egg-free, or sugar-free it is incredibly difficult to find any that are all three.  And because soy is on my allergen list, I can't substitute with soy products (soy cheese, soy milk etc.) which just makes it all the more challenging.  What this means is I eat a heck of a lot of fruit.  But I'm getting used to it and slowly finding things and I keep reminding myself that this is better than the alternative.  Because my flare-ups are so infrequent, I find it hard sometimes to remember just how painful they can be, and then when it happens I'm like "Oh right, yeah, this does suck".  So the wacky diet is all worth it.  And hey, losing 10 pounds doesn't hurt either. 

I do however have moments now and then when I suddenly realize one more thing I can't have.  Out of the blue one day, I suddenly thought "Milkshakes!" and had a little cry inside.  I did the same thing the other day for perogies.  And I found out today that Kingston now has a Cold Stone Creamery ice cream shop downtown.  What a cruel cruel world!

The second big question is, do I really have RA or were the food allergies causing the joint pain all along?  RA, as an auto-immune disease, is tricky to diagnose.  There's no one specific test that gives a definitive yes or no.  That said, in trying to make a diagnosis, rheumatologists test patients for the presence of something called rheumatoid factor in their blood, an autoantibody that sometimes, not always, indicates rheumatoid arthritis.  It is possible to have RA and not have rheumatoid factor, and it is also possible to have high rheumatoid factor if you have other diseases, such as hepatitis, leukemia, and lupus.  It is, in any case, a strong indication that there is something wrong going on.  Every blood test I've taken since diagnosis has indicated a very high level of rheumatoid factor in my blood; when combined with my other symptoms, a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis is the best fit.

My best guess is that the food allergies exacerbate the arthritis, but as you may know, I am not a doctor (although I play one on TV).  I have a rheumatologist and will be seeing her next month, for the first time since I've made these changes and seen these improvements, and I suspect that at most she will agree with me.  It is also quite possible that she will say it's all a coincidence.  This is the doctor who told me there was nothing, nothing at all, that I could do to help ease the pain other than medication.  Really, nothing at all?  No exercises?  No physiotherapy?  No lifestyle changes?  No.  Call me if you need a prescription, she said.  You may sense that the two of us don't really see eye to eye. 

So I need to get educated about these things.  I figure I just need to get reading, and perhaps go out and get a few other opinions on the matter.  Because I know, too, that my apparent remission might not last long.  My mind keeps jumping to a statistic I read once, that 50% of people with RA are on long-term disability 10 years after diagnosis.  It's rather easy to imagine the worst, and I have found that even though RA is not a big part of my life right now, it informs a lot of my thinking and decision-making about the future.  We were looking at houses not long after my diagnosis and in one two-storey home I remember thinking, "But will I be able to go up and down those stairs 5 years from now?"  I try not to think like that too much, because who knows what the future holds and hey, I may be one of those other 50% who are not on disability.  But it would still probably be a good idea if I knew a little more about it all. 

How will I know when it's complete?  I'll have read comprehensive and up-to-date texts on both rheumatoid arthritis and basic nutritional science.  And I'll be an expert!  And I'll be cured!  Or at least that first one.

Now, to go find a banana.  Or potato chips!  I'm not allergic to potato chips!

I'm not sure how parents, particularly single ones, manage to stay sane if they do not have any family around for support.  I would have lost my mind a long time ago and I absolutely wouldn't be the mother that I am if it weren't for my wonderful family, in no small part due to their willingness to babysit, and give me some time to decompress and relax and only be responsible for myself for awhile. 

Feeling that I was getting a bit short on temper and patience lately, I asked my in-laws if they would like to spend some extended time with their granddaughters.  It wasn't a tough sell.  So I dropped off the kids at their place yesterday for an overnight stay, and I had a whole 28 hours to myself!  I hardly knew what to do!

For a few brief moments I thought that perhaps I should use my free time to get some stuff done around the house and run some errands.  But then I quickly convinced myself that what I really needed was some time to relax and do what I wanted to at whim.  Also not a tough sell. 

After dropping the kids off, I did a little shopping.  I'm not a big shopper but it was a luxury to have the time to browse, and try clothes on, and wander bookshelves.  I then headed back home and lounged about, watched grownup TV in the middle of the afternoon, and after dinner, my husband and I went out on a date!  We walked by the waterfront downtown and had a drink in a bar overlooking the marina.  All very lovely.

This morning I thought about sleeping in because there is almost nothing more glorious, but it was an absolutely gorgeous morning so I decided instead to get up and head downtown to the farmer's market with my camera.  I'm really glad that I did.

Before I made it to the market stalls, I noticed a little bird keenly posing for me on a tree by city hall.  I had to work quickly to get the shot so it's a bit darker than I would have liked, but I still rather enjoy it:

I asked the stall owners before I took photos of their wares and I also bought something from each of them, as it seemed it would be rude not to.  These are called garlic snapes, the flower of the garlic plant.  I have no idea how to cook with them but I bought some to try out, because look how lovely they are:

I also had a walk around City Hall, the marina and the residential area nearby.  I was kicking myself for not bringing my new telephoto lens (I don't yet have a camera bag big enough to accommodate it).  Next time.  There will be a next time, right?

Some geese and ducks approached each other tentatively, and I secretly hoped for a West Side Story-style dance off (waddle off?) but it was not to be:

We came across this tall ship when we were walking around last night so I went back to see it today.  Clearly the guy up on the rigging is the least popular of the crew.  A special mention goes out to the brave young man sporting the "Forward Seaman" t-shirt.  Best of luck to you.

None of the photos I took in the old residential area are particularly noteworthy, but it's hard to take a bad shot of flowers.  There are some seriously good gardeners in this city.  I am not one of them.  I'm considering blowing up these shots, laminating them, and staking them in my flower beds.    

Okay, I meant that as a joke but now I'm really thinking that that would be awesome.

After my walk I picked up some Thai food and had a picnic by the water.  I even did a little writing, making some headway on Thing 7.  And I was also the moron taking photos of herself, hence the new profile photo.  I rather enjoy how I look like I'm trapped in that box. 

The whole 28 hours was all that I needed it to be: a chance to clear my mind, relax, and let go of some of the weight of responsibility for a short while so I could reset and come back to my kids with a little more serenity. 

And a sunburn.  I've got one of those now too.  But it was totally worth it.